Eric Northman and the Mary Sue's
by Blackpen Enaru
Summary: Mary Sue, Ann T. Sue, and Meyriadnra Suecretizia walk into a vampire bar... Who will Eric choose? Who is the greatest Sue of all? A dry satire. Just for fun, I wrote a True Blood OC of my own, after all.
1. Chapter 1

AN:

Of all the people to be writing a Mary Sue satire, I am the least deserving since I wrote a True Blood OC of my own. This is just in good fun.

* * *

><p>Mary Sue nervously tucked one of her glossy, ebony curls behind one of her alabaster ears. If you looked very closely, you would be able to see the slightest point in her ears. She had just a drop of elf blood in her veins.<p>

She shifted uncomfortably in her clear 5 inch heels. Normally she'd never be caught dead in such skankware, but she was desperate for a job, and she needed to play the part. Of all the normal bars, retail stores, and offices she could have applied for instead, she chose Fangtasia because it was the only way to make a meek 16 year old girl cross paths with a 1000 year old Viking vampire. She tugged down her short leather skirt and wished she was wearing her customary yellow sundress with daisies and tulips on it.

She took a deep breath, and walked up to the pretty female vampire who was checking ID's at the door.

"Well hellooo, there" purred the vampire, eying Mary appreciatively. Mary blushed. Although she had full D cup breasts, a 22 inch waist, and long, sexy legs, she wasn't used to the attention. She didn't realize how pretty she was. It was a trait that ran in her family, especially her second cousin, Bella Swan. Like Bella, Mary was also very clumsy. But, while Mary would always trip over her own feet, she somehow managed to walk gracefully in 5 inch hooker heels.

"I'm here for the job interview," she said boldly. She stood tall.

"My name is Pam," said the vampire, for the benefit of the readers. "Go in."

As Mary walked into the bar, holding her head high and trying to hide her trembling, every eye was on her. More than a few fangs popped out. Her purity shined through her emerald eyes, even though she was dressed like a vampire stripper. The vampires, with their supernatural hearing, could hear her iron hymen squeaking as she walked over to the giant blond vampire in the throne. Virginity was a highly desirable trait in females, despite the nonsensicalness of double standards and the advent of the 21st century. Mary was saving herself for a significantly older badboy asshole who had used and discarded many impure women, only to change magically for her.

The blond vampire on the throne tilted his head at her and beckoned. She swallowed and went closer.

"You're applying for the bartender position," he drawled. He knew everything.

"Yes," Mary squeaked. Although she could be very bold and defiant at times, the vampire was _very _intimidating, especially as he raked his eyes over her body. He found her especially interesting, even though he saw numerous scantily clad and willing women every single night.

"How old are you?"

"Twenty one," Mary lied. She was actually sixteen. Mary never told a lie unless she absolutely had to, or to further a plot point.

The vampire used his hypnosis this time. "What's your real age?"

"Twenty one," she insisted.

Unexplained immunity to glamour was a trait often found in the Sue family. This immunity made all Sue's incredibly attractive to vampires, because vampires like to get what they can't have. After all, vampires were human too, even if it was a very long time ago. This vampire was no exception. He was instantly intrigued.

"What do your parents think of your bartending at a vampire bar?"

"I'm an orphan. They died in a horrible and tragic accident when I was 5 years old."

Half of the Sue family tree had been killed off in some horrific accident. A quarter of it had been tortured or abused in childhood in some way.

"Don't you have to go to school?"

"I taught myself everything when I was 10 years old."

"Very well, then. My name is Eric. Most of the employees here call me Master. You will also call me Master."

"I have no master!" Mary cried indignantly.

Eric's manhood swelled at the girl's defiance. _No one_ had _ever_ defied him. It stoked the fire in his loins. "Come," he ordered huskily. He grabbed her wrist and dragged her to his office.

Mary teared up, frightened about what was to ensue. She trotted to keep up with his long strides. When Eric reached his office, he pulled Mary inside and slammed her against a wall, because a little bit of violence is supposedly sexy when you're reading it and not actually experiencing it. Eric leaned his face close to Mary's. His fangs were out.

"Mary Sue," he growled. "You. Are. Mine."

"No," she whimpered. "Please…"

Eric immediately pulled back and softened, because fictional alpha males always have an instinct for when they have gone too far. He licked off her tears. They were sweet and delicious. By some genetic mishap, many Sue's cried sugar water. "It is not a bad thing to be mine," he told her gently. "It means that no other vampire can have you. You will be safe from them."

Mary stared at Eric with wide and trusting eyes, despite the fact that they had only met 5 minutes ago. It didn't occur to her that she could keep herself safe from vampires by not trying to work at a vampire bar, and instead finding work as a model because she was so very beautiful and every magazine wanted her on its cover. But then, she didn't realize how beautiful she really was. Although every male on Planet Earth secretly desired her, they also loathed her and found her weird because of the funny tint in her emerald colored eyes. They thought she was crazy. Maybe she could read minds.

"I am yours," she whispered.

Eric's fangs came out again. And he took her, which was technically statutory rape, but it was ok because Mary Sue was extremely precocious for her age and had the maturity of a 25 year old. Besides, statutory rape didn't exist in Mary Sue's world. Neither did character flaws, normal eye colors, or any dose of reality.

Mary Sue was absolutely excellent at sex, and kissing, even though she had only kissed frogs before. Despite her torn flesh in one of the most sensitive parts of the body, she was able to take the Viking raid up the hilt. The pain lasted for just a quick flash, then it was all pleasure because all Sue women have magical vaginas that heal themselves after the initial penetration. Her pearl glistened, his loins boiled, her wet center throbbed, and his manhood thundered.

When he bit her, it didn't hurt at all even though two sharp teeth were penetrating through her dermis enough to draw blood. When he drank her blood, she wasn't grossed out at all, even though she wasn't a fangbanger. She was different from the loose and easy groupies who were attracted to hypocritical vampires who stigmatized them for being attracted to vampires. She knew the bite marks would magically heal and leave no scar, even though many of the fangbangers wore their scars like badges of honor.

"Ohhhh, Mary!" Eric cried. He had never been so enamored. In all of his 1000 years, he felt human for the first time (since Sookie Stackhouse, who conveniently will make no appearance in this chapter, and if she does, she will either be a complete OOC bitch or happily paired with someone else.) Eric felt love, all because of a 16 year old bartender named Mary Sue. This phenomenon was so unlikely that Mary was too good to be true.

AN:

I've never done an actual parody before, I hope you like it. If you do, Ann T. Sue will be next.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Continued because of all of your support! Wow! Thank you! I had never imagined!**

Ann T. Sue slumped over the bar at Fangtasia, chugging down her third shot of whiskey. She had excellent alcohol capacity for a 16 year old because she had started drinking when she was 8. She learned to steal from daddy's liquor cabinet, it was the only thing that helped her cope with the abuse.

"Another shot of whiskey," she ordered. The bartender Chow complied immediately because she was a repeat customer. And she tipped well, since she regularly stole from banks. She had made a living out of thievery since she was 11.

Ann drew a hand over her eyes, feeling the horrid purple scar that marred her face. The lightning bolt shaped scar ran from her forehead, through her left eye, and down her cheek. Although Ann was awfully embarrassed by it, it made her look extremely intriguing. She snarled when a handsome vampire offered to buy her a drink.

"Well, wait," she reconsidered. "Get me a shot of whiskey."

The eager vampire got her order while Ann ran a hand through her dirty blond hair. She blinked back tears, not wanting her ample black eyeliner to run. Everyone hated her, (except for Pink, who thought everyone was fuckin' perfect.) Everything Ann did was wrong. She had thought of just drinking herself to death, but that would be a waste. She might as well die by letting some vampires drain her. That way her life wouldn't have been a complete waste.

When her undead suitor offered her the drink, she chugged it expertly. Then she grabbed him by the collar and dragged him out to the parking lot, by the dumpster.

"Do me," she slurred. After 5 shots of whiskey, she now barely had a blood alcohol level of .1. Nonetheless, she was still conscious because alcoholism ran in her family. They all drank, yelled, and hit each other a lot. "Do me now."

The vampire happily complied, ravaging the drunk Ann T. Sue on the filthy, stinking concrete next to the dumpster. She stared at the sky, unfeeling. She never felt anything during sex, physically or emotionally. But she had sex about every night, so she could put some use to her useless body. At least she could make someone happy. The way she could never make her parents happy. Her sister Mary was the perfect one.

As the vampire climaxed and was about to bite into her, a gigantic figure above them roared in anger and pulled the vampire away. The hapless suitor flew through the air and landed in a heap on the other side of the parking lot. Ann's savior gently picked her up and carried her back into Fangtasia.

"I've been watching you," he murmured. "I will take care of you."

Ann finally succumbed to the alcohol and exhaustion, and passed out.

#

When Ann cracked open her eyes, she realized she was naked. This didn't upset her too much, since she often woke up naked, usually with someone else's bodily fluids inside and on her.

What did surprise her was that a handsome, big, blond man was gently washing her in a gigantic bathtub.

"You are the first human I ever brought into my home," he told her. "Only Pam has been here."

"Who's Pam?" Ann asked. She didn't care, she didn't care much about anything, but it seemed to be the polite thing to ask.

"My progeny," the blond replied. "And I had to give you some of my blood, you were so badly battered from the sex and the alcohol. I do not give women my blood. The last woman I gave blood to was Pam." He ran a hand over her old scars. "But these, I could not heal." But he didn't even seem turned off by the cuts, bruises, and marks all over her body. None of them marred her face, of course, except for that intriguing purple scar that she hated but only heightened her appeal somehow.

"Why me?" Again, she didn't care. Mere uncharacteristic politeness.

"I have had many women. There were times when I almost had complete control over women. But. You. Are. Different." The man's blue eyes blazed with passion as he stared down at her. "You are kind. And thoughtful. And sweet. And generous."

Ann couldn't take anymore. She wasn't accustomed to kindness. She covered the man's mouth with her hand. He kissed it.

"There. You're creative too."  
>"I just met you an hour ago, but it feels like you've known me forever." It was like a dream. She feared she would wake up any time soon. This wasn't her life. She would have been the single mother of 6 if her ovaries had not been permanently damaged one night during an especially bad beating. Her only good fortune was that despite her constant drug abuse, her body showed no signs of yellowing skin, damaged septum, or premature aging. Also, she still had all her teeth somehow. Did she mention that her face wasn't marred at all, except that purple, intriguing, lightning shaped scar, of course?<p>

"You will know me forever, my love," he insisted.

"I don't even know your name."

"Eric. What is yours?"

"Ann."

"Eric." She repeated the name. It felt like honey on her lips that had serviced so many. The author used the term "serviced" to invoke an association with "prostitution" because fellatio is always degrading unless it is performed by a shy virgin heroine on a much more experienced male who is pleasantly surprised by said shy virgin's expert administrations and is completely infatuated by said shy virgin, who is, by the way, actually not a virgin anymore, because only recently former virgins may perform fellatio on their enamored partners without being unacceptably promiscuous. "You are so different from all the other men I've encountered."

"And you are so different from all the women I've encountered. Never have I met a character so tragic and deserving of sympathy. You are the complete opposite of Mary…"

Ann's eyes widened. "How do you know her?" she demanded. "You speak of my sister?" The perfect little virgin in her virginal little sundresses.

"Do not worry Ann. I will leave her for you. She is so perfect she can't be true. But you— you are so tragic that I can't help but want to coddle you. I would be an ass for not wanting to protect you. Unlike your sister Mary Sue, _you_ are so real. You are the inspiration for Shakespeare."

Ann felt a twinge of love in her cold, shattered heart. "You will never leave me?"

"Never."

As they made love, neither they nor the author realized the ridiculous irony of the sex as a symbol of Ann's redemption. Eric's 1000 years of misogyny built up by fucking only gold digging whores melted away as he fucked a whore with a golden heart, because that was almost as therapeutic and magical as fucking a soon to be whore who until very recently had an iron hymen.

Despite Ann's long history of men, she had never found one that could maintain an 8 hour erection without passing out from cardiac arrest. But Eric was different, of course, and she found that continuous 8 hour intercourse with a demanding vampire with a giant penis did not become painful or uncomfortable at all because she conveniently did not have a cervix and her posterior vaginal wall did not rest against her bladder.

As a matter of fact, she never wanted it to stop. Nor did Eric, for that matter, for he had never met a woman who wanted him just for himself, and not just for his money. Because all attractive women, with the exception of Sookie Stackhouse, Mary Sue, and Ann T. Sue, are gold digging whores who are only after money, and that is so much more morally outrageous than a man who is only after sex. Never had it occurred to Eric that he could find more wholesome women if he ever ventured outside of his vampire bar where people specifically came to gawk at vampires and have sex with vampires because a little bit of curiosity and experimentation is perfectly natural and healthy (but only if you're a virginal heroine.) For everyone else it's just skanky and makes you a fangbanger.

Little did Eric and Ann know that they would soon be torn apart by a purple haired, purple eyed, leather clad vampire slayer named Meyriadnra Suecretizia.

**AN**

_Thank you_ for all of your support. It was the only thing that gave me the inspiration to continue this. Remember, this is just in fun. There are lots of incredible OC stories out there, many of them better than the junk that TB and SVM have become.

I hope you will check out and enjoy _**Blah Blah Vampire Emergency Blah**_, which features a character who is not a virgin and is not a telepathic cousin of Sookie who happens to move back to Bon Temps.


	3. Chapter 3

Bewildered, Sam went through the towering pile of job applications for waitressing positions at Merlotte's. All the applications were starting to look the same, and they were all from beautiful women in their early twenties.

"_Why do you want to work at Merlotte's?" _was one of the questions.

The various answers were very puzzling.

"_I wanted to see the world and decided to settle in Bon Temps, a tiny town in the middle of nowhere."_

_ "This is my original home and I am finally coming back after having had a terrible life in some unknown but exotic part of the world. Sookie Stackhouse is my cousin."_

_ "I wanted an excuse to interact with Sookie Stackhouse while attracting the attentions of Eric Northman."_

_ "I'm a sweet, innocent girl who is too classy to work at a vampire bar, but I need some sort of honest, down to earth employment while I catch the eye of Eric Northman."_

_ "Eric Northman!"_

_ "Because Eric Northman has been known to come here at times to see Sookie, and while he's doing that he'll notice me and fall in love with me instead."_

_ "I don't know of any other bars within driving distance of Fangtasia, and Fangtasia isn't hiring anymore because it already has a flood of girls trying to work there." _  
><em>"Because I want to reenact the exact plot of True Blood, line by line, scene by scene, but with myself as the main character instead of Sookie." <em>

_ "Because I want to reenact the exact plot of True Blood, line by line, scene by scene, but with myself as Sookie's best friend who ends up replacing her as the heroine and the love interest of Eric Northman."_

Sam scratched his head. Although he would have loved to hire all of these absolutely gorgeous, flawless girls, he could only hire so many.

#

The mayor of Bon Temps was near tears at the City Council meeting.

"Bon Temps is experiencing a sudden overpopulation crisis because all these young women are relocating here," he wailed. "The mayor of Shreveport says he has the same problem, but _they_ have the infrastructure to handle this mass migration. But in Bon Temps, there aren't enough jobs, houses, or oxygen to go around!" He broke down sobbing and resigned.

#

The bureaucrat at the Baton Rouge branch of the Bureau of Vampire Affairs raised a skinny, penciled eyebrow when she saw the latest paperwork. Apparently some vampire in Shreveport called Eric Northman had made about 300 new vampires in the past year, all of them sexy young women with a defiant streak. He was indirectly the cause of a sudden spike in the human population of Bon Temps and Shreveport. The vampire population in Shreveport alone had tripled in the last month. Both cities were experiencing a ridiculously disparate male to female ratio, with about 90 females per each male. The newcomers who could not find work at either Merlotte's or Fangtasia (they never seemed to look for work anywhere else) were clogging the streets with prostitution and/or waiting in line for welfare checks.

There was only one solution to this. She picked up the red phone on her desk. "Get me Charlie," she told the operator.

#

Meyriadnra Suecretizia sprang her purple tinted, almond shaped eyes open at the crack of dawn. She was a warrior, one of the youngest of her kind at the tender age of sixteen, so she was accustomed to waking early. She gracefully stepped out of bed then walked over to a full length mirror to admire herself.

She had sleek long legs, a full bust, a slim waist, and slender but full hips. She could easily overpower a man 5 times her size. Of course, she didn't look like it. She did not have a single bulging muscle on her body. Her body had nothing but supple, soft curves. Each morning, she swallowed live tapeworms that would feed on the contents in her stomach. That way she could stay skinny without working out and becoming muscular.

Her hair was long, purple, and came down to her waist. It never tangled. It never got in her face in any of her fierce battles. It always looked perfectly styled, even though she had just woken up. She had purple tinted, almond shaped eyes to match, and always wore gold eyeshadow, even to bed. Her eye and hair color were natural, of course.

Her body bore no scars at all, despite her many battles and hand to hand combat fights, because she was just that good.

Before slipping into her tight leather catsuit that limited mobility and left no place to hide a weapon, she slipped a Vagisil egg inside herself. Unfortunately, her uniform had its hazards.

She checked her phone, which also doubled as a stun gun, grenade, and time machine, and saw that she had a new message.

"Call me back."

So, she called the caller back.

"Good morning, Meyriadnra," said the caller.

"Good morning, Charlie," she crooned.

"I have a new assignment for you."

"Oh?"

"Kill Eric Northman." _Click._

Meyriadnra did not even bat a purple tinted, almond shaped eye.

#

Meyriadnra parked her purple flaming motorcycle in front of Fangtasia. Although she was only 16, and thus could only have a driving permit at that age, she managed to get around transportation wise. Her 5 inch spiked boots clicked on the ground as she strutted into Fangtasia. Pam was conveniently absent from her usual post. Meyriadnra smiled when she saw her target.

"Hello, Eric," she purred. She swayed her hips as she made her way over to his throne.

The Viking's eyes glazed over as he took in this purple seductress. "How enchanting," he responded in kind. "I am instantly drawn to you because you stand out in this crowd of black. I have feelings for you. I can tell that you are not entirely human."

"You have no idea." Meyriadnra leaned into his ear. "Take me somewhere private."

Although she could have staked Eric right there, and taken on all of the other vampires in the bar, she liked to seduce her victims before killing them. Seduction prior to assassination had its benefits, such as risking STD's and pregnancy, making her escape more difficult, and leaving her DNA all over the crime scene and the corpse. It was so much more convenient than using a sniper rifle from a distance.

Eric growled and brought her to his office, where they began to have sex for absolutely no reason at all, except to titillate the sexually repressed readers who judged other girls for having too much sex while secretly wishing they were having more sex themselves.

Meyriadnra pulled a stake out of nowhere (definitely not her tight leather catsuit because it would not have fit) and jabbed it into Eric's heart. Although Eric was a 1000 year old vampire with supernatural strength, he was no match for Meyriadnra Suecretizia, sixteen year old vampire slayer. She had been trained in a lab since she was 5 years old. She had been part of a government experiment on creating super soldiers. She was the perfect deadly sexy assassin. The government had wanted their assassins to be more sexy because that way they would stand out and be more memorable to witnesses when trying to kill someone. She even went through heat cycles like a cat.

Although most vampires instantly turned into bloody goop the second a stake touched their hearts, Eric's body stayed intact just long enough for him to make an astonished and hurt expression. Meyriadnra began to cry with regret. Her tears fell on his dissolving body.

"I'm sorry," she cried. "I was just following orders. I've been an assassin all my life. I didn't realize I'd fall in love with you…"

As she sobbed, her purple tinted tears flooded over the remains of Eric's body. Then, the power of love and the unknown supernatural powers of Meyriadnra saved the main male character but killed the plot in that instant.

A complete, living Eric resurrected from the remains. "You have saved me," he said, his eyes shining with love. Eyes that had not shown love since Sookie, Mary, and Ann.

"Eric, I-." A girl entered the room and froze. It was Mary Sue. "What are you doing with my cousin?"

"And what's my sister doing here?" Ann T. Sue rushed in a moment later.

Eric smiled devilishly. "Girls, there's enough of me to go around."

"No!" the Sue's screamed. "You must choose one!"

Eric looked blank. "But you're all the same!"

"Choose!"

"Very well. There is one Sue that I love the best."


End file.
